How my Fiancé and I Got Through his Alcoholism and Came Out Stronger as a Couple
Wow, that’s hell of a title, isn’t it?
The one thing I want to say is that alcoholism is HARD. No matter what the relationship is with the person. It’s difficult. It’s a lot of long nights and switching between hating them and hating yourself. And unfortunately, there’s no magic guide to get through it. I can tell you how we worked on this and how I made it through. Hopefully my story will help you if you’re dealing with the same problem.
My fiancé, Nicholas, has been an alcoholic for about six years. Today as of writing this he is 1 year, 5 months, and 14 days sober - so 17 months. And we do recovery. He has gone to AA (alcoholics anonymous), gotten the chips, and has done what he needs to do to recover. I’ve been to several AA meetings with him and we have all of his chips on display in our home.
We have rules now in our household. Hard liquor is not allowed in our home. You cannot bring it. You cannot leave it. His drink of choice was whiskey. The only thing allowed is wine and champagne. We do not go to bars. We try to avoid the bar section in restaurants. We will usually sit in the main dining area and we have no problem waiting for a table. I still drink wine and champagne. I do not get drunk. If I have a mixed drink I will have one at a restaurant. I do not go out drinking with friends and I never ever treat Nicholas like my designated driver.
It’s just not worth it anymore. Getting drunk doesn’t make me feel good and I have a hangover after. I don’t see why I need to put myself through that. I also don’t get drunk out of respect for Nicholas. He’s my partner and he doesn’t need to take care of me because I drank too much and he can’t drink. That seems pretty unfair to me. I am what AA calls a “normie”. I can stop myself when I have had enough to drink. It hasn’t been a problem for me.
We keep to our rules and alcohol is manageable for us. The rules might change later but for now and the past 17 months they’ve been working.
Now, about how we got through this intense portion of our lives.
Nicholas and I have known each other since we were kids. We met when we were 15 and stayed good friends. We dated for a couple years when we were in our early twenties but it ended poorly due to his drinking. At the time I was 22 and had my head stuck so far up my ass I had no idea he was an alcoholic. I could only see the trees, not the forest. I saw his actions but I couldn’t see why he was doing them. Look, we aren’t smart at 22. I was young and naïve and didn’t have enough life lived to understand what was happening around me. So we broke up.
Fast forward about 4 years later and we reconnected and got back together. He was still drinking. This time, I flat out ignored it. I knew there was a problem. But I chose to ignore it. How could I not? I wasn’t equipped for this. I didn’t know how to help. And to admit that someone you were so close to had a problem like drinking? What would my family think? What would his family think? The worst part is that everyone knew and we all chose to ignore it. Societal pressures can be suffocating sometimes.
We all ignored it until we couldn’t.
His drinking steadily got worse until one day he exploded at work and quit his job. Have you ever heard the term “functioning alcoholic”? Alcoholics function until they can’t. Nicholas was functioning. He held a job. He went through the motions. But you could tell his mind wasn’t there with you. It was as if he was always in a far off space. Unfortunately I was just too busy with my own life to deal with his. It’s not great. But it’s the truth. I had just become an assistant manager at my jewelry store. I was in the midst of opening a new store and had a pretty lucrative dog sitting business. We were living in Las Vegas making pennies on the dollar and trying to stay afloat. I had also taken up beauty pageants which took so much of my time. I just couldn’t deal with his drinking problem so I just ignored and ignored it.
When he quit his job things started getting worse fast. He became non-functioning. By that I mean he wasn’t doing anything besides holing up in the room and drinking and sleeping and that was it. There was nothing. We were fighting constantly because he wasn’t doing anything. No job prospects. Luckily, we were living at his parents at the time so they were helping keep us afloat and provided a lot of support for me. I just kept going to work every day and I worked a lot. I was out of the house most of the time because being home was not great.
And one day he couldn’t do it anymore.
It was one of the times we were fighting about something and his mom went up to go talk to him and that was it. He asked her for help.
I will always love my mother in law for this because she saved him. She immediately got him in the car and drove him to the scariest detox center in the worst part of Las Vegas and left him there. I did not join them on the trip and neither did his dad. We both spent that hour wondering if we did the right thing.
The detox place did not have a bed for him the first night. He spent the night in the lobby. After that they were able to get him a bed and he was able to start detoxing. None of this is a pleasant experience and one that is most likely similar to prison. I wouldn’t take any of his calls while he was there and no one would come get him. We left him stranded.
Now, rehab and detox are still voluntary. But when you aren’t in your right mind you aren’t exactly thinking straight on how to logistically get yourself out. Nicholas spent 3 days there and with the help of medication he was able to detox without withdrawals and finally blew zeroes into a breathalyzer. This was on September 23, 2022.
After he came home sober, his parents and I sent him to Washington to live with his sister. I was still living with his parents and working down in Las Vegas. While in Washington, Nicholas wasn’t allowed to drive and he rode a bicycle to AA every day. He went to one meeting (sometimes two) every day. Luckily his sister worked from home and she could keep an eye on him. He spent his time hanging out on her couch.
We didn’t know what to do about the living situation. We were in two different states. One day, about a month after he had gone up to live with his sister, he told me he can’t move back to Las Vegas. I said okay and quit my job the next day.
I worked out my last couple of weeks while he started looking for a job. He landed an amazing job that he never would have gotten if he wasn’t sober and we made the choice for me to take a break from working. Nicholas came down to Vegas to help bring our stuff up and on November 1, 2022 we made the three day drive from Las Vegas to Yelm, Washington to live with his sister until we could get on our feet. By the middle of November he was working at his new job and I was relaxing for the first time. I took a lot of naps.
So how did I not break up with him that whole time?
I kept reminding myself he was worth it. I knew this man when we were 15 years old and I fell in love with him then. I kept reminding myself that somewhere in that person was that 15 year old boy with the amazing smile and chipped teeth. The one who was passionate about Boy Scouts and the one who always made me laugh. The one who was so close with his family. That boy was somewhere in there.
It turns out he was. Now, Nicholas is an amazing person. He treats me like an absolute queen. He listens and is kind. He is doing really well at his job and has a lot of friends who enjoy his conversations. He loves our little chihuahua and takes her out on walks everyday. He still has that amazing smile with the chipped teeth. He’s still close with his family and still makes me laugh. Now we’re engaged and looking forward to a September wedding. He is the person I knew he could be and that’s what kept me hanging on. I knew he could beat this. And he did.
